or so I'm told!
Today I'm EXCITED. I'm so pleased I've had this time to get used to the change of plans, and come into a good space about this experience. I feel gratitude this morning. I feel also a sense of calm and peace.
Last night Keith and I went out for the 'last supper' and he planted some good thoughts. I haven't ever looked at my fears objectively, and it hit me that it is completely normal and part of my survival instinct to be scared of being 'cut open'! But my body doesn't know this is planned, and part of a process and I am not going to die from this! Sometimes I really do wish thought that I was going to run the comrades rather than drive off to hospital. Actually this will be easier - I don't need to do anything but be calm.
I also believe that this can be as positive as having a natural birth and I needn't feel like I'm being sabotaged out of the experience I wanted. This will be a very special occassion, and I'm sure soon afterwards the method of delivery will be the last thing on my mind. It's surreal. I can hardly comprehend what it will be like seeing, feeling and holding my OWN child in my arms. I have wanted this experience for Keith and for me. I am so blessed that I get to have this tomorrow. Wow, we've come a long way. Driving past the fertility clinic last night made me realise again where this all started and now look at where we are! From small, small beginnings to the dawn of a new life.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Am I being unreasonable?
Today I've been doing the A-type thing again. When I went for an HSG last year, I was given FULL written instructions on what would happen, when it would happen, what I could expect/eat/drink/pain relief etc. Now, here I am going for major abdominal surgery and I have received NO information apart from a brief 5 min discussion with the gynae as to 'what could go wrong'. Now am I the only person who doesn't want surprises on c-sect day? Am I meant to just know that I cannot go to Mugg and Bean and have the Business Man's breakfast en route to the hosiptal on Friday morning? I have a million and one questions ,but I would rather be given the information than have to think of all the questions I should be asking.
To top it off, last night Keith and I went off to the clinic to 'book in' because we didn't feel like going in an extra 30 min earlier than we needed to on Friday morning to fill in all the forms, and apparently we should have been given an information pack. I got to ask the midwives on duty some of the questions I had lost sleep over the night before. But this morning I figured I still don't know what I should take to hospital? Baby clothes? Towels? Nappies?
I phoned Netcare now after having gone to the website to look for a nr - and called the 'patient liason officer' and this role or person no longer exists... so I'm now even more angry and I get passed on from person to person. Eventually I get a midwife who tries very calmly to help me. When I tried to explain how I feel about not having any information and being 'left to figure out things for myself' I am told that they only give you the information if you ask for it..... Unfortunately I'm now feeling very angry about this clinic and their lack of professionalism. I have to get over it and not let this affect Friday!
To top it off, last night Keith and I went off to the clinic to 'book in' because we didn't feel like going in an extra 30 min earlier than we needed to on Friday morning to fill in all the forms, and apparently we should have been given an information pack. I got to ask the midwives on duty some of the questions I had lost sleep over the night before. But this morning I figured I still don't know what I should take to hospital? Baby clothes? Towels? Nappies?
I phoned Netcare now after having gone to the website to look for a nr - and called the 'patient liason officer' and this role or person no longer exists... so I'm now even more angry and I get passed on from person to person. Eventually I get a midwife who tries very calmly to help me. When I tried to explain how I feel about not having any information and being 'left to figure out things for myself' I am told that they only give you the information if you ask for it..... Unfortunately I'm now feeling very angry about this clinic and their lack of professionalism. I have to get over it and not let this affect Friday!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Failed ECV
I got to the clinic last night for my appointment only to find the Dr walking out of the building... he thought I wasn't coming! Clearly a lack of communication btn him and his secretary. Anyway, Keith got there too and I stared at the ants on the white ceiling while he tried to turn the baby to somersault down-wards. He told me a month ago he didn't think it would work becuase there is not enough fluid.. and it didn't. Baby didn't budge an inch. I was more afraid than sore from the procedure. He immediately checked the heart rate and it had gone to 167bpm. Webblet quickly settled down after that and I went for a precautionary NST. It was perfect, no stress seemed to have been passed onto babe - but I WAS stressed after the c-sect discussion and all the things that I need to be prepared for going wrong. I felt disappointed and sad that I was sitting in the lovely Genesis clinic where I want to have this baby, for the test, and hearing the newborns crying in the other rooms, knowing that I will most likely be having the c-sect next week in a hospital. Yes, I hate having my expectations messed up. And I have time - a week at least, to get used to the idea.
To put things in perspective I got a message from my SIL saying that like a wedding day, the birth day is just the beginning of the journey. It's not really about me, it's about bringing into the world this child in a safe manner. Yes, I want to experience natural childbirth and I may still get to do that if I have another baby. There are many positives - the baby is full-term and looking healthy and a good weight (about 2.5kg's!), I'm in safe hands with the team for the c-sect. I have a lot of support. My goal now is to be in a positive frame of mind and not emotionally distraught that my plan of natural is not going to happen. Although I'm going to give the baby another chance to turn with one last alternative remedy this evening....
To put things in perspective I got a message from my SIL saying that like a wedding day, the birth day is just the beginning of the journey. It's not really about me, it's about bringing into the world this child in a safe manner. Yes, I want to experience natural childbirth and I may still get to do that if I have another baby. There are many positives - the baby is full-term and looking healthy and a good weight (about 2.5kg's!), I'm in safe hands with the team for the c-sect. I have a lot of support. My goal now is to be in a positive frame of mind and not emotionally distraught that my plan of natural is not going to happen. Although I'm going to give the baby another chance to turn with one last alternative remedy this evening....
Monday, July 13, 2009
Nearing the end
So I officially have 19 days to go... I'm nervous. I'm also annoyed that I've only started to slow down now because last week I slipped a disc in my back and I really couldn't walk. So I can't even do normal grocery shopping. Thank goodness I went shopping for baby stuff with my Mum and George the day before I hurt my back - so all has worked out pretty well. There are still things I need - but nothing so urgent that I can't live without it.
Keith is being amazing - and I think sometimes it is harder for me having him run around me, do the shopping, washing, hanging, bed-making etc than it is for him to do it. I feel guilty...
Anyway this afternoon whilst waiting for the gynae appointment we went through everything in the baby's room and sorted it all out. He wants to know the 'system' or 'my system' (which is non-existent!) so he can help with the webblet. He's going to be a great Dad and I am SO telling myself not to be pedantic and let him do whatever he can without saying... NO, not like that, like THIS!
I have so much to write - and it's all jumbled but here goes with some major themes ...
THE BATH: so we have not bought a bath because we can't agree or figure out how this all works. If baby is so small, can't it just fit into my laundry tub? We just figured out it can sit neatly between our two basins which are at a lovely height so as not to hurt either of our backs, so this will probably be how webblet will be washed initially. I also foresee that we won't be washing the 'whole' baby everyday - so I'm not going to buy the whole plastic basin on a stand thing. The spare bathroom which will be webblets is not big either. So I think this is a good interim solution until webblet goes into the 'big bath'. Hopefully Dad will actually get into water first and I can get him to bath webblet when he/she is a bit bigger.
THE PRAM: we have been donated a car seat - I fought with it on the first go. We don't know if it is necessary yet to have a car seat that fits into a pram. I kindof agree that it would not be great for baby to spend a lot of time asleep upright in the car seat, so waking webblet up to move from car to cot shouldn't be the end of the world.... we'll see! So as yet, no purchases on this front.
THE BREECH BABY:
This so boring now talking about this, as webblet has been breech for weeks. 3 weeks ago I started doing the crawling around thing (probably had something to do with my back too!) and I was still walking a lot in the evenings and being very active. I was so active I hung over the edge of the bath to wash all the mattresses and bits and pieces that we were given that couldn't go in the machine.. that I probably tore that cartilidge or 'disc' which is what is inflammed and now demoted me to a mere hop along. Up until last week Pregnancy was a 'walk in the park' - okay apart from the morning sickness which I'm grateful did not hang around for too long. I know this baby, it doesn't see the point in being upside down for weeks. I think if nature were to take it's course, that webblet would turn at the last minute. Gynaes are way to cautious for nature so I don't think I'll be allowed to get to this point. Dr M says that the success of him performing the ECV on me is low due to the amniotic fluid having pooled at one end around baby, rather than there being an even bath of fluid around the baby. So this afternoon's aptment was postponed til tomorrow evening, so I won't know what the plan is til then . I got a bit hopeful last night that webblet might be performing somersault tricks as I woke up with a lot of kicking and pain in my side... but I'm sure I'm still feeling this hard little head up here near my lungs.... sigh.
HYPNO THERAPY
My lovely yoga lady did an hour long session with me. I don't feel comfortable about being hypnotised. At Varsity we had Andre the hpynotist put on a 'show'. I always looked at fellow students who volunteered for hypnosis 'for our entertainment' as being slightly altered afterwards. I just felt their eyes looked weird... spooky.. I did not feel comfortable with it. So with this in mind, I never wanted to feel like I'm being hypnotised or put under some spell... :-) It just felt like a deep relaxation with me working at visualising different things. The only point worth mentioning is that at the time I was conciously and internally 'speaking' to webblet to somersault - I had major movement going on inside. I can picture this little voice, "No, not now mama, I'm having way too much fun just the way I am".
WORK STRESS
just my luck, that installations don't go smoothly or things can't get wrapped up. I HATE loose ends. I just cannot relax knowing there are things on my list. So this has been a real challenge for me. I do what I can in the morning and then I know I've done what I can then I SHOULD switch off my brain and chill . Not easy, and I can't do it. It's not how I'm wired. Fortunately I have a handful of things left...
Keith is being amazing - and I think sometimes it is harder for me having him run around me, do the shopping, washing, hanging, bed-making etc than it is for him to do it. I feel guilty...
Anyway this afternoon whilst waiting for the gynae appointment we went through everything in the baby's room and sorted it all out. He wants to know the 'system' or 'my system' (which is non-existent!) so he can help with the webblet. He's going to be a great Dad and I am SO telling myself not to be pedantic and let him do whatever he can without saying... NO, not like that, like THIS!
I have so much to write - and it's all jumbled but here goes with some major themes ...
THE BATH: so we have not bought a bath because we can't agree or figure out how this all works. If baby is so small, can't it just fit into my laundry tub? We just figured out it can sit neatly between our two basins which are at a lovely height so as not to hurt either of our backs, so this will probably be how webblet will be washed initially. I also foresee that we won't be washing the 'whole' baby everyday - so I'm not going to buy the whole plastic basin on a stand thing. The spare bathroom which will be webblets is not big either. So I think this is a good interim solution until webblet goes into the 'big bath'. Hopefully Dad will actually get into water first and I can get him to bath webblet when he/she is a bit bigger.
THE PRAM: we have been donated a car seat - I fought with it on the first go. We don't know if it is necessary yet to have a car seat that fits into a pram. I kindof agree that it would not be great for baby to spend a lot of time asleep upright in the car seat, so waking webblet up to move from car to cot shouldn't be the end of the world.... we'll see! So as yet, no purchases on this front.
THE BREECH BABY:
This so boring now talking about this, as webblet has been breech for weeks. 3 weeks ago I started doing the crawling around thing (probably had something to do with my back too!) and I was still walking a lot in the evenings and being very active. I was so active I hung over the edge of the bath to wash all the mattresses and bits and pieces that we were given that couldn't go in the machine.. that I probably tore that cartilidge or 'disc' which is what is inflammed and now demoted me to a mere hop along. Up until last week Pregnancy was a 'walk in the park' - okay apart from the morning sickness which I'm grateful did not hang around for too long. I know this baby, it doesn't see the point in being upside down for weeks. I think if nature were to take it's course, that webblet would turn at the last minute. Gynaes are way to cautious for nature so I don't think I'll be allowed to get to this point. Dr M says that the success of him performing the ECV on me is low due to the amniotic fluid having pooled at one end around baby, rather than there being an even bath of fluid around the baby. So this afternoon's aptment was postponed til tomorrow evening, so I won't know what the plan is til then . I got a bit hopeful last night that webblet might be performing somersault tricks as I woke up with a lot of kicking and pain in my side... but I'm sure I'm still feeling this hard little head up here near my lungs.... sigh.
HYPNO THERAPY
My lovely yoga lady did an hour long session with me. I don't feel comfortable about being hypnotised. At Varsity we had Andre the hpynotist put on a 'show'. I always looked at fellow students who volunteered for hypnosis 'for our entertainment' as being slightly altered afterwards. I just felt their eyes looked weird... spooky.. I did not feel comfortable with it. So with this in mind, I never wanted to feel like I'm being hypnotised or put under some spell... :-) It just felt like a deep relaxation with me working at visualising different things. The only point worth mentioning is that at the time I was conciously and internally 'speaking' to webblet to somersault - I had major movement going on inside. I can picture this little voice, "No, not now mama, I'm having way too much fun just the way I am".
WORK STRESS
just my luck, that installations don't go smoothly or things can't get wrapped up. I HATE loose ends. I just cannot relax knowing there are things on my list. So this has been a real challenge for me. I do what I can in the morning and then I know I've done what I can then I SHOULD switch off my brain and chill . Not easy, and I can't do it. It's not how I'm wired. Fortunately I have a handful of things left...
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